Got a LootCrate

LootCrate is a company that will send you a monthly box of stuff for a little less than $20 a month.  The boxes contain nerd tchochkes revolving around some central theme.  It's either a way to get a care package that you'll probably like for nerds who don't have people to send them stuff, or it's the 21st century's answer to the death of the magazine.

Let me expound a bit on that latter idea.

I buy a subscription for $19/month that I can cancel anytime, or I play less for a 3-month or 6-month plan.  At a certain point in the month the theme is announced, for instance, October's theme was "Survive" which very clearly was going to be zombie-related stuff.  They DON'T tell you exactly what's in the box, that's a surprise.  Around the 20th of the month the box is "locked" which means they charge you and you are officially getting that stuff.  Then your box arrives around the end of the month and you are encouraged to post an "unboxing" either in pictures or as a Youtube video.

You get:

1. Something to look forward to every month.
2. No pesky reading material that you might, y'know, have to read.
3. Toys with which to decorate a geek cubicle.
4. A sense of community where you see how happy everyone is to get their stuff.
5. A chance to win a Mega LootCrate full of expensive stuff.

The best part of getting magazines was finding them in the mailbox and flipping through them while all the stupid subscription cards fell out and littered your front porch.  Then you actually had to read the magazine.  Currently I'm about three months behind on reading my Smithsonians.  I suppose when I had a subscription to Maxim (long story, but I got shunted there after two or three different gaming magazines went belly-up) I could plow through one of  those in about 15 minutes, but generally I like to actually read articles to feel as though I'm getting my money's worth.

LootCrate gives you all the happy feelings of getting something in the mail without any of the actual work of reading stuff.  There are other services like this, for instance Graze will send you natural snacks, Spicy Subscriptions will send you sex toys, and Cannabox will send you marijuana-themed stuff every month.  I can only imagine that after a year of monthly sex toys you might get a bit tired.  There seem to be a lot of panty and sock subscriptions (do young women go through that many panties?  Socks?)  All of them seemed geared towards twenty-somethings.

I was told about LootCrate by one of my former students.  Okay, I like geek toys.  I like getting stuff in the mail.  I looked through their last seven LootCrates and figured I'd have liked about four of them, and liked the other three somewhat less.  So, for instance, a box centered around fighting games wouldn't appeal to me so much.

What the hell, I'm in for a month.

So I guess this is an unboxing, but probably not one that #LootCrate is going to like.  Did I mention that they give away prizes for the best unboxing videos/pictures?  Yes, they do.  So if you're super excited they'll give you something.  I do not think they will be giving me something.

And if you get other people to subscribe they'll give you four dollars off your next LootCrate.  Every five people you get means a free LootCrate.  Welcome to the Ponzi scheme section of our business model.

It arrived yesterday.  See?

They even give you handy instructions on how to record an unboxing.

They're printed on the inside of the box.

The box starts with a pamphlet/magazine which contains exactly one short article (an interview with Max Brooks) that can be read in about two minutes, a top five zombie movies list that doesn't include anything by George Romero thus invalidating its own existence, a description of this month's Mega Crate, pictures of happy looters from last month, an invitation to send in pictures of yourself with this month's stuff, a page to say they've updated their Minecraft Servers (?), and a page each to describe the entire contents of this month's crate, which, presumably, you have in front of you anyway.

I really don't get the point of the pamphlet/magazine at all.  Use the money you spent printing that up to put something else in the box.  Or maybe this is their idea of a magazine?

So let's get to the stuff.  First, a "zombie hunter's membership card."

What am I, ten?  A membership card that I'm supposed to carry around in my wallet?  Really?  I've got enough "membership" cards from every store who wants customer loyalty jamming my wallet, I don't need some fake zombie hunter card in there.  And what's the stupid l33tspeak serial number doing in there?  You couldn't come up with something better, like 5318008?  Hint: turn it upside down on your TI-30 calculator, but of course you're too young to even know what a TI-30 was, let alone the vastly superior TI-55, but we were poor and my parents could only afford a TI-30.  

Oh shit, I'm veering into "Get off my lawn!" territory.

Moving on.  Next up, a zombie greeting card.

But no envelope to put it in and send it to someone.  So basically I've got to go steal one from the card aisle, or, more likely, my wife's card box.  What's a card box, you ask?  Well, when women reach a certain age (and I have no idea what that age is, it could be 15 for all I know), they start a box where they put cards that they liked enough to buy, but don't have any reason to send to someone.  They apparently browse Hallmark stores, see funny or sweet or sad cards, and buy them.  Then they put them in a box and when it's somebody's birthday or someone dies or whatever, they get out their box and go through the cards there and pick something out to send.  My mother had a card box, my sister has a card box, and my wife has a card box.  

Here's how I do it: "Oh shit, I'm on my way to a birthday party/wedding/funeral!  I better stop at CVS and buy a card so I have something to put the money/my sympathies in."

Eventually I got married and then it changed to: "Honey!  Do you have a card for this present?  Where's your card box?"

Or even better, my wife comes along while I'm putting my shoes on to go to the thing and says, "Here, sign this card."

I digress.

A zombie greeting card with no envelope.

 Next is a set of temporary tattoos, one a bite mark, one a bar code (and again with the 1337 bullshit).  These are really photo ops so you can dress up as a zombie (or "sexy zombie" if you're feeling frisky) and send them a picture of yourself with their tattoos for marketing purposes.  I might actually apply one on Halloween and call it a costume.  So okay, it's a $0.30 item, but whatever.

This brings us to the first big item, a t-shirt.

Okay.  Cool.  Zombie Ewoks.  It's got that Star Wars thing going crossed with Walking Dead.  I like it.  Except for one thing-- it's too goddamned small.  They ask you for your size and your sex.  I told them I was male and I wanted an XXL (and I just double checked my account, and yes, it still says that).  I am large.  Okay, I'm fat.  2XL usually covers my bulk.  Just for reference, I put this shirt next to a Penny Arcade 2XL that I own:

Do you see that?  This ewok shirt is maybe a large, but the label says XXL.  Where, in Munchkin Land?  Also, it seems to be tapered and cut like a woman's t-shirt.  So this shirt is good for nothing but a giveaway in my class.

Next there was a bloodshot eyeball candy thing.  This was a marshmallow inside a package with an eyeball printed on it.  I have no picture because I ate it.  It was a perfectly fine marshmallow.  I have no complaints.

Some buttons:

A zombie hand, a crossbow (kind of Zelda-ish there, guys), and a health pack.  8-bit is the new black.  Seems fine.

And here's the final big thing in the box.

Wow!  The Zombie Survival Guide!  Cool!  

Wait, where have I seen that before?  Oh, I remember:

On my bookshelf, where it's been for the last ten years since it was published!  Right there between Master and Commander and A Man on the Moon being guarded by the goddamned Batman and Rick from The Walking Dead.

I suppose if you're twenty now and you were ten when the book came out, then you might have missed it, but if you're into zombies at all you probably already have a copy.

So they put all their eggs one basket by giving me a book that they think I'll like, but like many friends who want to give me presents they fell into the trap of giving me a book that I already have.  Honestly, if they'd have just filled the box with zombie action figures and bobbleheads it would have been fine.  Even if I already have the action figure, you can never have too many.  How else are you going to stage a zombie horde?

So what have I learned?

The LootCrate is Not For Me.  It's for skinny twenty-somethings who don't have shelves and shelves of books, action figures, and tchochkes already.  I would have been better off taking my $20 and buying an action figure I picked out myself.

Update:  If you want to subscribe even after this not great review, here's the link that gives me credit for it:

http://mbsy.co/lootcrate/388888

I am much more likely to get another LootCrate if it's free.

UPDATE 11/18/2013: I sent the picture of the LootCrate t-shirt next to an actual 2X shirt to the LootCrate people and they sent me a mailing label to return the shirt for one that fits.  I've now gotten the new t-shirt, and it now fits.  Odd that it has the exact same labeling as the tiny one.  I blame whatever sweatshop in Indonesia made the shirt.

So LootCrate is okay in my book.  Good customer service.  And thanks to however many of you clicked the link, it looks like I will give them another month and see what I get.  Stay tuned for next month's review.